The Tragedy of Trailers

Have you ever wanted to pitch an ace movie to a friend and an imdb link just wasn’t enough so you search for a trailer online and pre-screen it before showing them and think, “what the fuck is this?”  Ever see a trailer for a movie and it just strokes you in all the right places like a well seasoned prostitute only to find out some of the scenes from the trailer weren’t in the movie.  And the prostitute had a bigger penis than you?

“Did you see the trailer for _______ ” usually preludes most, if not all, conversations that tends to result in the purchase of a movie ticket from the local box-office.  I feel it’s safe to say that movie trailers are one of the strongest forms of marketing that exist for any particular medium today… next to maybe word of mouth; and that mouth was obviously fed something wonderful and stimulating at one point.  They can run upwards of 2 and a half minutes, putting most commercials to shame, they use more recognizable imagery than most print mediums are capable of, and they are activity sought out and searched for online which is something very rare in regards to marketing- which tends to be structured around a subtle-assault concept.  It would be like running around town jacking it to billboards.

Lately I’ve been paying more and more attention to trailers and felt it appropriate to classify them as if they were my own bastard children that I refuse to take to pay admission to/child-support for.

There is that one fucking-retard that doesn’t know what the hell it’s even talking about and probably believes everything it’s saying.  Generally misleading, misrepresenting, or just flat out missing the mark.  It will likely end up having a big opening-weekend or major in English.  A few recent offenders come to mind like Everything Must Go, a very depressing movie dressed up like a comedy, Sweeney Todd is actually a musical, 5th Element which is damn near schizophrenic, and though it pains me to say it, Drive which was so misleading that it was recently sued for not being enough like The Fast & The Furious. There are a few reasons why these hell-spawns are birthed ranging from the general audience being retarded enough to make Transformers 3 a wild success to the movie studios outsourcing the trailer creation process to production facilities which have no active part or role in the movie’s creation.

Then there is that mouth-breather that flat out lies to your face so you buy it a new toy when what you should have done was burned its hand on the stove for being a deceptive bitch.  Two recent offenders off the top of my head would be The Warrior’s Way which was that slightly campy movie about cowboys and ninjas that showcases an almost iconic line of dialogue during a scene where ninjas surround the rooftops of a desert town while a grizzled old man mutters “shit…. ninjas” (although this sometimes gets censored). The movie wasn’t good by any means but I seriously sat there on my magnificent ass in seemingly endless anticipation of a single line that DID NOT EVEN EXIST IN THE ACTUAL MOVIE. Is that picky of me?  One line in a trailer isn’t enough to beat the wife over but try to justify Paranormal Activity 3 who’s movie uses NONE of the clips shown in the movie.  NOTHING in that trailer exists in the entirety of the film.  Not even the goddamn title card.  The only thing that convinced me to see this crap was the scene of the little girl casually jumping off her second floor room only to run back up the stairs giggling.  If anyone involved in the creation of that trailer somehow got navigated away from their under-age amputee porn to find this blog post and are reading this then go fuck yourselves you horrible, horrible, people.

The last major offender is the worst of the bunch.  You don’t know when they will strike but when they do you are filled with a sensation that could only be related to your newborn baby being of a different race from your own. I would also like to take this time to mention that all hate-mail should be addressed to the site administrator of filmwank.com and not myself. Trailers that not just give away twists or small plot points but actual endings.  These are what people should lose jobs over.  Here is a good one that is old enough to not be a big spoiler, popular enough to be recognized, and blatant enough to showcase what I’m talking about: CAST AWAY.

It doesn’t just show him being rescued and reunited with his friends but it actually tells you how long he was on the island. These are the kind of children that make you regret not pushing the abortion topic a bit harder, make you wish she would have said “No, in my mouth instead” or falcon punched her in the uterus when you had the chance. The kind of trailer that make you wish you never even opened it.

All that aside, which I imagine I will have to edit for coherency and offensiveness after I wake up-not all trailers are bad.  One agency shines above all else and have had the fabulously intoxicating trailers like: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (american), Tree of Life, Super8, Social Network, True Grit, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and a personal favorite, Melancholia.

Basically movies and their trailers are like one night stands. Makes itself out to be the best thing since sliced bread, lasts about 2 minutes, almost always regrettable, and still somehow convinces you to pony up for their the cab ride.